Saw this on Amber’s tumblr and just had to share…
When people ask “So what do you like to do for fun?”
Don’t say read fanfiction.
Don’t say porn.
Don’t say role play online.
Don’t say lulz at memes.
Don’t say porn.
Don’t say obsess over fictional characters.
Don’t say puzzles.
Don’t say porn.
Do. Not. Say. Porn.
This story was making the rounds via email. A modern take on romance? Or just a sign of the times? (content is m/f)
(c) istockphoto.com, Mlenny 2007
He held me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room. I had never been there but I knew this was his room. I knew what he was going to do to me, and I knew I was going to let him. The door closed quietly and we were alone.
He approached silently from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. “Just relax.”
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and caressing upward along my tender calves slowly and steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved under my skirt to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. His knowing fingers continued upward across my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, his teasing hands quickly moved to my shoulders and slid down my tingling spine. My entire body was throbbing when he discovered my pink, lace thong.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. “This is a man,” I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking “No” for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say…
“Okay all done. Here’s your purse, ma’am. Have a nice flight.”
Here’s one of my new favorite ways to enjoy a laugh: Damn You Auto Correct! If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s worth a little browsing time. My sweetie sends me a collection of them each week so I can have a laugh when I take a break from writing. I’m spoiled that way.
Here’s a sampling… Enjoy!
This week I’m working on a proposal for one of the stories I drafted last year. Which means I’m writing the dreaded (at least for me) synopsis. So today I wanted to share something light and fun.
Humor is one of life’s greatest joys, after all. Here’s an oldie but a goodie…
FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND …
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Clifton
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
- June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
- July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the both the ladies and men’s restrooms.
- July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
- August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
- August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
- August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
- August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
- September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
- September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
- October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
- October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
- October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
- October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
- October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.
Okay, back to the synopsis and edits. Hope you have a great week!
(c) istockphoto, kupicoo 2010
Thanks to author Tori Carrington I saw the following on Facebook this morning and it gave me a good laugh.
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life
- The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
- The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”
- The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
- The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
- The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
- The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
- The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”